By Rachel Longshore
Growing up in a Christian home, I went to church every Sunday, Wednesday, and I attended every activity the church held. I could give you my testimony of getting saved like a good little Christian; I was very sheltered and Christianity was the only life I knew. But underneath my “good Christian girl” exterior, there was so much more going on.
When I was 12, I began struggling with depression, self-harm, suicidal thoughts, and eating disorders. I hid my struggles from family and friends and played the good-Christian-with-no-struggles part for years.
This was why I ended up completing a degree in psychology with an emphasis in Christian counseling; I chose this major because I wanted to help people with similar struggles as mine and understand my own struggles better.
When I graduated, I had a degree but no practical knowledge of how to actually help people. My home church in northern Indiana had a biblical counseling center, and the counselors received their training from a mega church called Faith Church of Lafayette, Indiana.
My mom and I attended the biblical counseling conference at Faith Church of Lafayette in 2018 and 2019, and I learned about Vision of Hope, a residential counseling center for women who struggle with addiction, self-harm, eating disorders, and unplanned pregnancy. I felt that place would be perfect to learn how to really help people.
I became an intern at Vision of Hope in July 2020. Vision of Hope advertises themselves as a training center and a great place where you can get ACBC (Association of Certified Biblical Counselors) certified while doing the internship there. My father always instilled in me to get all the certifications you can, so I thought, “Why not?”.
Before I got to Vision of Hope, I already completed phases 1 and 2 of the ACBC certification. Phase 1 includes completing required readings of biblical counseling books, attending the biblical counseling conference track 1, and observing 10 hours of biblical counseling. Phase 2 is a 50 question essay format. Half of the questions are in regards to theology and the other half are questions in regards to counseling. Phase 3 is the final phase and involves counseling for 50 hours while being supervised by someone already certified and meeting with a ACBC “fellow” to go over your counseling sessions. The executive director of Vision of Hope was an ACBC fellow which allowed interns to get certified during their internship.
Once all those things are completed, you are ACBC certified.
I ended up becoming a staff member at Vision of Hope, and I was there about 3 years total. During my time at Vision of Hope my mental health got progressively worse and worse. I was in biblical counseling for about 2.5 years while there. It started out because I was in a relationship and wanted to ensure I was pleasing God in how I handled the relationship, set boundaries, etc. But over the time I was there, I went from being extremely anorexic to bulimic, throwing up multiple times a day, cutting myself almost everyday, and having suicidal thoughts daily. I felt like a complete hypocrite to be counseling these women but be having the same struggles. It’s a strange experience to be a biblical counselor, and be in biblical counseling, but feel like biblical counseling doesn’t actually help people.
It was during this time that I started to doubt my faith and feel lost working there. I finally got the courage to talk to the clinical director about what I was struggling with, and I fully expected to be fired or asked to step down from my position. However, the response instead was that I should continue on exactly how I had been, that it would help me to continue counseling, and she quoted Proverbs 28:13: “He who conceals his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them will find mercy.” She said since I confessed my sin to her, I was being shown mercy and should continue on exactly as I had been.
I was honestly shocked that I was told I should stay. But in retrospect, they probably couldn’t afford to lose me because they had such a hard time getting staff members. There was high turnover. And their structure of interns becoming staff was becoming less and less since a lot of interns did not want to become staff because of how bad their internship was.
I didn’t want to be there any longer, but for a long time I felt that I had no other option. But then I met my future boyfriend, now ex fiancé, and I thought I was in love. He lived in Jacksonville, Florida and I saw this, not only as my opportunity to be near my boyfriend, but also to be out of Vision of Hope.
In October 2023, I worked my last day at the house – what I now refer to as “the cult house”– and that was the best day of my life. I moved to Florida to be near my, at the time boyfriend, who was sexually abusing me and telling me if I left him he would kill himself. But at least it wasn’t Vision of Hope.
My ex was a Christian and I spent basically all my time with him and his family.
I felt like I had no one to turn to about my struggles. My ex tried to avoid talking about feelings and emotions at all costs and anytime I brought something up about being suicidal or he saw that I cut myself, he didn’t know what to do. He would tell me to just pray and it would get better.
I found a biblical counselor near me and started sessions with her. When I finally worked up the courage to tell her about how my ex was abusing me, her response was that I probably let it happen because in my sinful heart I wanted to have sex. I already blamed myself for what happened to me but to have my biblical counselor tell me that just brought on even more guilt and shame. There’s a lot more I could say on that topic but that’s another story for another day.
I started doubting my faith when I felt like my questions couldn’t be answered. I knew all the “right” things to tell myself about my questions but I no longer believed in all of it. My counselor’s solution was for us to go through Trusting God by Jerry Bridges. This did not help me as I already knew who God was and why I supposedly should trust Him, I just did not trust Him. I trust myself and my abilities to take care of myself.
I got tired of begging God everyday to help me. Yet no matter how much I begged, I still felt numb and wanted to die. I clung to verses that reminded me that God doesn’t necessarily take away our difficulties in life but helps us to endure by being with us but I still felt alone.
How was God fully in control, but part of his will is to have the woman sitting in front of me be raped by her father?
How is God all-powerful, but He will not help me recover from eating disorders and constant thoughts of killing myself?
How are those thoughts from Satan, but God allows them?
I got tired of having women sit in front of me that I was counseling but I had no answers for their questions either because I was sitting on the other side of the desk asking myself the same questions.
I got tired of lamenting the same things to God daily and never seeing any change.
I got tired of being so different from every other Christian I knew. Why were they cussing, drinking, having sex, wearing bikinis, never reading the Bible and rarely praying while my life was the complete opposite? Why was I constantly questioning my choices and if I was glorifying God but other “Christians” would make choices without a second thought?
I got tired of being called a “goody two shoes.”
I got tired of people telling me “I wish I was like you.”
I got tired of being at worship services and feeling so numb that I wouldn’t even sing because I didn’t believe the words.
I got tired of attending funerals for other Christians who died by suicide while I was fighting for my life to get rid of the thoughts in my head. To be there and to have people who say, “We’re so sorry for how they felt but we’re happy that they’re at peace in Heaven now.”
Why couldn’t that be me?
Why couldn’t I just die?
There were days I begged God to let something happen to me so that I died.
At this point there’s a lot of my deconstruction that I still have blocked out of my memories and will need more therapy to process. I eventually started therapy and made more progress in 2 months than I had in 3 years—because it was real help. People can’t just pray away a flashback. People don’t have nightmares because they forgot to read their Bible before bed. People have nightmares and flashbacks because they have trauma. Trauma is stored in the body and needs true therapists who can actually help them.
Currently, I consider myself agnostic. I don’t really know or care at this point whether or not there is a God. I live my life and try not to think about religion, Christianity, or God. I can’t imagine going back to church because I have so much trauma from everything that I’ve been through. Maybe someday I’ll reconstruct and find what I believe, but it is going to be a long road to get there, and that’s okay.
Because today, I am happy. I’ve recovered from both of my eating disorders. I don’t self-harm regularly. I don’t have as many flashbacks, panic attacks, nightmares—but when I do, I am now equipped to handle them because of therapy. I’m not suicidal; in fact, I love my life. I am happily married to the most amazing man who is a constant support and encouragement. We have a sweet golden retriever whose name is Naya. I’m pursuing my dream of being a tattoo artist, even though I was previously taught that tattoos are sinful and definitely being a tattoo artist would be sinful. I’ve become my own person, separate from the “good Christian girl” people always said I had to be. I’m speaking out on high control religion and religious abuse, and I am an advocate and peer supporter of those who have experienced spiritual abuse like I have.
If you have experienced religious abuse and are looking for peer support, visit Hope Restored’s Connect page to learn more about our resources and community groups.
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